Parenting with Purpose

 - Wileen Venter

Parenting is probably the oldest and most challenging profession in the world since we’re not only working 24/7 for ourselves, but also for something much more significant in the future. If only we could get a manual for each of our children, this job would have been so much easier.

The good news is that parents can indeed go have a look at how we as humans were created, and bring up our children within the parameters of this model. If we can understand our Creator’s purpose as parents better, we can help shape our children and purposefully assist them in each phase, as set out below.

0 – 2 years: Purpose: Offer your child security and protection

A baby enters this world through a person, its mother, who subsequently becomes the starting point. From conception to the age of about 2/3 years, your child is a mere extension of this “starting point”. Moms will testify that they often know what goes on in their babies’ heart and mind, even before they are able to communicate verbally. Alfred Tomatis, a world-renowned French ear, nose and throat specialist who made a study of, amongst many other interesting topics, hearing and its role in learning disabilities, development, communication and relationships, was of the opinion that language is not needed between a mother and child, but indeed between father and child. The purpose of the mother, at this stage, is to feed and protect. If this purpose is not fulfilled, it may lead to issues with self-image, self-love and relationships as the child matures.

2 – 4 years: Purpose: Give your child recognition and support

All of a sudden your child starts showing signs of rebellion and reluctance. This is part of the separation process between mother and child where your child becomes aware of their own self, and is a phase where you may break or build this little person. It is especially during this time that you should give recognition to your child’s emotions, character and being, and should at all cost stay a pillar of support.

5 – 6 years: Connect with the world

Dads represent the world. If your child stands secure enough in their relationship with their mother, they will systematically start moving away from this relationship towards the (dad’s) world at the age of 5/6.  The father/child relationship and bond improve and dads also enjoy this phase. From their relationship with their father, your child now especially develops motivation to connect with the outside world and to communicate verbally. If your child struggles with this relationship, chances are that they will struggle with language and discipline.

Have you noticed that dad needs to speak only once while mom has to plead? Dads’ purpose is to represent discipline. Children easily experience discipline by moms as rejection. Overcome this by explaining that it is the father’s/Creator’s/society’s rules that mom is applying. Moms only dish out the penalty or reward; there is a bigger purpose with the rules and mom and child therefore stick to them as such.

Children who hear, but struggle to listen:

According to Tomatis, trauma during the developmental phases discussed above unconsciously causes you to switch off your ears’ ability to listen. That is why children might be able to “hear”, but struggle to “listen”.

Tomatis is of the opinion that a person’s parents are also represented in your ears. If there is a disconnection between mother and child, the left ear will subtly switch off with self-image and relationship problems as symptoms. Problems between father and child switches off the right ear, with motivation, language and discipline problems as a result. Children and adults who present with these symptoms can be tested by a qualified Tomatis therapist. With the help of sound therapy, these symptoms and behaviour may be overcome, resulting in a fuller life for children and adults.

To find out more about Alfred Tomatis, his research and methods, click here,

How to parent with purpose:

1. Be aware of your purpose as parent in each phase.
2.  Respect your partner. Moms have to stick to “dad’s rules” and should not join the child in being “naughty” just because he’s not present. Respect the rules, and your children will also find it easier to do so.
3. Fill your child’s emotional tank. Make a 30-minte appointment with your child every week and let them suggest an activity. If that means dad has to play with dolls or mom has to join them in kicking ball, that is what you have to do.